Click 'play' to listen to the music and try to read and feel the story :
A Short Story Written by:
Hicham Sbaa
Hicham Sbaa
Few years ago, I signed up for some English courses at the American language center in Marrakech, the first time I walked into the classroom, I was captured by the beauty of this girl, she is two years younger than me, she looks unique with her round face, rosy cheeks, dark hair, and big glowing eyes, she has this distinctive laugh, whenever she burst into laughter, tears start rolling down her cheeks, she just can't help it, she is so fun to be with and so full of life. But being the non-shallow type I am, I couldn't care any less, don't get me wrong, I do care about the physical appearance, everyone does, we will be just fooling each others if we admit otherwise, but at the same time I care even more about the personality, the inside beauty, that's what define who we really are .
Months went by, and I felt that she was the most beautiful person I ever met, inside and outside. I found myself attracted to her more than any other girl in our class, I always tried to sit next to her just so I can enjoy her company, there was something about her that I related to, I still don't know what it was exactly, but I really don't care, all I care about is that I felt better when she is around, and that was enough for me, I'm not sure if it was love or a pure friendship or just a silly crush, but it certainly meant lot to me.
We were friends, that's for sure, but I always liked to think of us more than just friends, oddly enough, I never made a move to make us more than just friends, I didn't feel the need to make one, I mean we were there for each other and we went through lot together and I somehow took her for granted, and that was the beginning of the end; I started to feel that we were growing distant from each other with every day that goes by, and that spark that was there, that something that meant the world to me is now fading like a dying candle. Soon enough I knew why, the wind was too strong, that candle didn't have a chance, and by the wind I mean the new guy in the picture who offered more than just a friendship.
It was too late for me to do what I should have done the first time I laid my eyes on her, she told me they were dating for a few months now and that they were planning on getting married soon, that's when it hit me that I'm going to lose her for good, and then I realized that what I felt for her was more than just a friendship, because I felt torn inside, something inside me was broken and couldn't be mended. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Him? For stealing my girl, or her? For betraying the love I never confessed to her. No, no, no, if I'm looking for the guilty, I need only to look into a mirror.
Why do we always feel the need to blame someone for what we do to ourselves? Why can't we admit the fact that a great part of the misery in our lives is our mistake? I couldn't sleep anymore, I couldn't eat anymore and I felt numb most of the time, I knew that it was all my fault but I couldn't admit it, I tried not think about it, I tried to forget about her and all our memories together, but I couldn't. The more I tried to forget, the more I missed her, I missed her laugh, I missed her smile, I missed everything about her. I knew that if I want to move on, sooner or later I will have to stop running away and confront myself with the truth, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to do that.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, then, one day while lying in bed, I started thinking about the whole thing, and somehow I made peace with myself, and now I admit that I loved her, and maybe didn't know it until it was too late, or maybe I knew and I was a bit of a coward not to tell her, I don't know, all I can say is that I feel like I missed out on a great love story that ended before it began, and that only brought sorrow to my heart, I always thought that it's strange how we feel sad about losing something we never had, now I know it's not. Most people go through their lives moving from a relationship to another, throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart with every woman I loved, and I'm afraid that soon there will be barley enough to stay alive.
What have I got in this life? I mean really what have I got? I might have some good friends, I might have some money, I might be in a place where other men would love to be, but I don't have peace of mind, and if you don't have that, then you have nothing my friend, because if my life have ever taught me something, it will be this: Happiness is only real when shared.
Sometimes I wonder; if I had a second chance so I can be with her, would I go for it? I honestly don't know, and if I had to guess I probably wouldn't. As you see now ladies and gentlemen, the problem is not the girl, and not our complicated situation, the problem is ME, I always tend to get cold feet when I get close to commit in a relationship, and I hate myself for that, I guess that's what I have to live with right now. But I really hope from the bottom of my heart to be a better man, I hope someday I can change, but I don't know if I can. All I know is that I'm free, unattached, nobody depends on me and I don't depend on nobody.
Sometimes when I think about her and I do most of the time, I feel that I want to tell her so many things, but I can't, that girl is long gone and this foolish guy is all what is left, I got to live with that, but if I ever saw her again in her new life, I will force a smile, and be happy for her. After all, isn't that what love is all about? To be happy for the happiness of others?
They say the greatest love is the one given in silence, and I intend to keep it that way. But if she ever comes across this story, I want her to know this: "I'm sorry for the things I didn't say, but more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself, for living without you".
: : End : :
Copyright 2009
Copyright 2009
